I am afraid to tell anyone about my fears, because I think I'll get a lot of I told you so's and then also a lot of people being all concerned and up my ass and using my problem as an excuse to ignore their own problems.
I'm getting off methadone, and I've been having issues doing it how I wanted to. So, I started to cut myself back by 2 mg a day. I was on 20, so far today I took 9 and tonight I will take 9 so I can sleep. Then tomorrow I'll take 8 in the morning, 8 at night, and so on, until I am down around 4 mg a day, total. I am planning on buying a ton of weed and some kratom to help with withdrawals, and also will probably be shooting a lot of DMT and am going to try to get some benzos as well. The thing is when I started all of this, I was sure I wasn't going to end up shooting dope again at the end of this. Now I keep telling myself, well, I can just use dope to kick methadone, and then I will stop doing that when it comes time to stop. And I've also been telling myself that if I do end up shooting dope again at the end of this that it'll suck but it won't be too bad.
I don't even know what the fuck I am thinking and it scares the shit out of me, seriously. I think I need to move away from here asap. I drive by where I used to cop all the time, two or three times a day, every day. And it's too much for me. Every time I go by there, I am always looking around as I drive by, trying to see if there is anyone I recognize that can sell me some dope.
And then I keep telling myself, well, I got really really good prices on the dope I bought, and with all the money I make now, I would totally be able to afford a good habit again. And then it goes on and on and on. The thing is I don't even want to be high, I just want to not feel anything and I want to destroy myself in order to do it.
I am so frustrated in my life with every single thing, nothing seems to be going as planned, nothing is going the way it should be, and it's making me just want to go deaden myself. Not kill myself, and anyone who has ever been strung out before should get what I mean.
Sometimes I just think I should buy a gun (illegally of course because I have an arrest record, and in the place I live, that precludes me from buying a gun) and blow my head off before I do any further damage to my life and the lives of those around me, but most of the time, I am so, SO happy that I am far too lazy to find a gun to buy illegally. :)

It is starting to piss me off that I am not allowed to masturbate whenever I want to. I think it is unfair, because you are so far away, getting laid, and masturbating a bunch of times whenever you want to.
My options are much less attractive than yours are, and I am seriously contemplating finding fuckbuddies for when you are gone, so I can get off. It is totally lame, and it could actually be a risk to my health, but the thing is, I can't go without getting off. It is really hard for me, and makes me resent you sometimes. I don't know how to actually bring this up without seeming defiant, so I guess I'll just vent in this stupid anonymous online journal. I know I can choose not to listen to you, and just do it anyways, since there really is no way that you'd even know, but I can't bring myself to do it. I also know that you have allowed me to masturbate a few times, but only ever after we've had a conversation that gets me all wet. Which can't happen many times a day, since your fucking wife is always there...I need to be able to get off many times a day or it starts to weigh on me and fuck with my mind and my ability to feel totally happy about you sometimes. Resentment gets in the way. I'd really like to be able to masturbate right now. But I can't, because you stopped emailing me so you could go fuck your wife. And so I can't ask you if it's okay.
I'm going to have to bring this up to you tomorrow and am not really looking forward to it, but it's really starting to bother me. You are usually so good at knowing what is going on with me, and you usually have such good judgment, so why can't you see that this ban on masturbation has gone on for long enough? I could see if you banned it while you are here, but I think it is unnecessarily cruel for the ban to be in place while you are gone. My problems with getting off that originally caused the ban are fixed, so I think the ban should be lifted.

So I don't know lately whether to be really happy or really sad. What should I think about myself? I don't know if I should be okay with the fact that I am falling in love with a married man who lives 1,000 miles away, or if I should hate myself for it. I don't plan to do anything to change or stop it, but still sometimes I wonder if I am a despicable person. It sucks that I feel this way about a person who even if they do feel the same way can never really fully act in such a way, because they always have to go home to their wife, or hide things so their wife doesn't find out, etc. Fortunately there are not kids involved, but still the fact is, this person is married. And I have always had a special disdain for people who do not show respect for the marriages of other people. But I feel things for him that I have never ever felt for another person, so how can that be wrong? It's not like I consciously decided I was going to be in love with some married dude, it just happened, it's just the hand I was dealt with by fate. So really if anyone is to blame, it should be fate, and not me. :)
Is it wrong of me that I am secretly (from the person I am now in a relationship with) saving up money so I can move out? How can it be wrong to do something to make oneself happy? I don't think it is wrong, but sometimes I feel guilty for it. I hope I have enough money soon, because I don't want to string this other person along because I love and care about him, but at the same time, I am not happy and I don't think he is either. I think we both deserve better and I think that there are things each of us want that the other one doesn't want.
This also probably goes without saying, but not only is this married person cheating on his wife with me, I am cheating on my boyfriend of 5 years with him. This I know is wrong. I am into open relationships and think that monogamy is bullshit, but our respective partners do not feel the same way about things. So we are cheating. I wish it wasn't that way, but the only way I can ever be with this person is if we lie and deceive other people, and it is bad. Which is another reason I need to end this relationship. I hate to lie to anyone, and feel incredibly bad about the fact that when my married friend is around, I am constantly lying to my boyfriend about where I'll be, who I'll be with, what I'll be doing, I have also lied and told him I am not cheating, and have lied and said that I am not in love with anyone else, and lied and told him I still want to be with him. All of this lying is too much for me. :(
Fortunately I make really really good money, so I should be able to end all this lying and deceit soon and move out so we can both move on with our lives. I will miss him though. It's too bad that he is not okay with some of my choices in life, mainly wanting to be with whoever I want sexually, also I don't want kids, he does, and then there are some other differences between us that I won't go into right now, but I'm sure I'll go into in further detail sometime in the future.

Sometimes I just want to mow down a large crowd of people. Kids, old people, women, men, then I think about the fact that people would be sad if I killed these large crowds of people, so instead I just stay in my house, or if I'm not in my house, I stay wherever I am and just think to myself about how much I would smile seeing the horror on the faces of like 15 people, as they are paralyzed in fear and can't run away as my car barrels down the road and up onto the sidewalk towards them. Sometimes, I drive by the homeless shelter in the town over, while there are AA meetings, and I think of killing all the AA losers who are outside on smoke breaks. And this also makes me smile to myself, but not as much as actually killing all those people would make me smile. God, would that make me happy...